Wednesday, November 01, 2006


A Vampire Who Really Sucks

My favorite holiday is Halloween. I think I enjoy it so much because there’s something vaguely sexual about the celebration. I mean, we all disguise our true identities to become people (or things) we really aren’t. That gives us permission to dare to do things we usually wouldn’t. Not unlike the internet.

And so, to celebrate Halloween, I pulled out my worn VHS copy of 1985’s Gayracula. Sexy, funny, nasty and full of terrific sex, Gayracula is gay porn paradise. The unrelenting carnality, which, thanks to the stunningly hot men in the cast and their sexual enthusiasm, easily catapults this film into the classic category.

And it really is a film. This may be the last great shot-on-celluloid feature of the 80s before video made pornographic filmmaking a thing of the past. Filmed in expensive-to-obtain Eastman Color, the story opens with a lingering shot of dark robed monks carrying a coffin to a cave where they plan to flip its lid and drive a stake through the heart of the sleeping vampire within. But when the vampire-killers open the sepulcher, the bloodsucker transforms into a bat and flies to a nearby mountaintop (which looks suspiciously like the Hollywood Hills) where he materializes into the naked and jaw-droppingly gorgeous Tim Kramer, who bares both his fake fangs and very real cock as the titles roll! By now you’ll know you’re in high camp territory, with the creaky, Dark Shadows style sets and second-hand costume shop wardrobe, but those elements only add to the atmosphere, which is drenched in some white-hot and decidedly unsafe sex. With Gayracula, superstar Tim Kramer turned in his signature performance, and his lovely face, taut, smooth torso, and amazingly beautiful and large dick are the erotic centerpieces of the film.

In the first sex scene, Tim-as-bat flies to a nearby castle, where he enjoys a face-fuck and dick-suck with the very sexy Steve Collins. Filmed on a set with what looks like yards of satin casket liner under the performers, Tim fucks Collins like a machine, working up a drippy sweat as he snarls and shows off his fake plastic fangs and stunning ass.

Flash forward 200 years to Southern California. At a tacky apartment complex, one very tired looking Michael Christopher plays a muscled up Renfield who has an appetite for more than bugs. Once our vampire hero is safely inside, Christopher engages in a little (cock) suck fest with a bearded stud who jacks himself off while Big Mike sinks his fat tool into his hairy ass. What follows is a vintage pre-condom fuck scene, with these long and lean boys working up a sheen of sweet sweat, all captured by director Roger Earl’s very dynamic camera which moves down on and around the action, at points even going up overhead for some astonishing shots before Christopher unloads spurt after spurt of cum which is then replayed in all its slow-motion glory.

Tim rises out of his coffin for the next scene, whereupon he’s offered some of the bearded guy's ass, which he rebuffs with a curt, “Yeah but I don’t like sloppy seconds!” The action moves to a strip club next, where Gayracula watches a bit of the show before deciding to check out the action in the back room. Shedding his clothes, he joins an awesome orgy in progress between a trio of guys. Tim hooks up with a bushy haired, mustached dude for some face fucking. One can’t help but realize how Kramer pointed the way for what would become the ideal of male beauty in the 90s – pretty faced, buff, smooth straight haired boys.

After biting his partner on the neck, Gayracula de-materializes, then re-forms in the club where he witnesses another three-way which unfolds on the stage to some (hilarious) disco music, with the players in (equally hilarious) Mardi Gras masks! Over the top and firmly tongue-in-cheek, the scene is too good. After working out their messy cum-shots, Tim watches a slightly boring solo from a Latino dancer who periodically squirts metal rings out of his asshole much to Tim’s delight. Suddenly a very blond dancer appears and gets barebacked on the floor after lots of ass fingering.

Back at home beside his coffin, Tim arranges his own three-way with two hunks. After dumping the cream of the un-dead on a very hairy chest, Tim, in a very campy scene, draws a young valet to himself utilizing the “power of his mind” -- but not for blood -- for hot, sloppy, dripping cock! Some terrific dick-sucking and open asshole shots follow, with Tim on top during the 69 and some choice close-up ass fingering of the valet. Raw ass-fucking follows, with Tim brutally pounding the hot bubble-butt.

The plot thickens the next night when, upon waking to the strains of a Hollywood soundtrack worthy of Franz Waxman, Gayracula realizes he’s fallen in love with the valet. But first, the thirst! A quick trip to the Burbank blood bank is in order, and Kramer actually sucks blood from a bag before things turn very nasty between a donor and Uber Hunk Doug Weston on an exam table. The burly Weston gets sucked and fingers hairy ass, then pounds butt while a lust-crazed Kramer watches from the sidelines and hisses like a mad cat displaying his plastic fangs!

Finally, Gayracula reunites with his youthful valet, who begs to be given the dark gift of eternal life. And so, the couple bathes in a fountain in a gorgeously shot sequence, then reclines on a blanket while the sun rises, revealing that love has set Tim free – he’s now impervious to the sunlight! When asked what he’s going to with his newfound mortality he replies – eye-rollingly – “I’m going to work on my tan!!”

Gayracula is a fun and sexy classic porn film. Lots of hot guys and plenty of three-ways and orgy sequences. If you’d like to jack-off to a hot horror flick satire, this is one to check out. I promise, you’ll have a good time!

Here are a few stills from one of the many orgy scenes in Gayracula.

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